Conversations with myself #2

Inner me: Hey friend 👋🏾, it’s been a while.

Me: Yeah you’re right we haven’t touched base like this in a while, how are you?

Inner Me: I feel good, happier. At peace to be perfectly honest. How are you?

Me: That’s so good to hear buddy 🙏🏾. I’m okay.

Inner me: Don’t do that, how are you really?

Me: Mostly I’m okay but I’m just a little..

Inner me: A little?

Me: A little uncertain.

Inner me: Of? 

Me: Everything. This year has been fucking insane 😩

Inner me: You ain’t lying 😷

Me: Like I can’t even remember all the crazy shit that has happened because I think if I was actively aware of it my brain would explode! 🤯

Inner me: Our brain yes.

Me: You know what I mean.

Inner me: Of course we share the same brain 🤓

Me: Honestly I have moments where I’m good and enjoying life. I’m also supremely grateful for my family as everyone is good by God’s grace.

Inner me : But?

Me: These moments of serenity and contentment are always punctuated by absolute fuckery.

Inner me: Hmm speak on it 🗣

Me: Kobe, Chadwick, our neighbour Nicole, it seems like the deaths keep getting closer and closer to home 😪

Inner me: Literally. I hear you bro 🤕

Me: And that’s not even talking about the perpetual elephant in the room.

Inner me: Fucking…

Me: COVID-19. Like we are still in the middle of a bloody pandemic and it feels like a second lockdown is on the horizon 😩

Inner me: Didn’t you think there was always going to be second lockdown 🤔

Me: You know I did but that’s why we went to visit our sister in Amsterdam and have been visiting friends as much as possible. To enjoy the freedom while it lasts.

Inner me: So if you know its coming what’s the issue.

Me: The uncertainty. Everything this year has been shrouded in uncertainty. When lockdown measures were eased in my head that only started a countdown for the next full lockdown.

Inner me: Makes sense.

Me: The whole period has felt like an ad break. You know it will only last so long and if you need to take a dump you go early to get back before your show starts but when you pop your head in and the ad is still on you are now tempted to get a snack. Do you try your luck a second time, get that biscuit and potentially miss out on some of your show or do you sit down, wait for the ad to be over and don’t miss anything but perhaps live with the regret of not getting that biscuit. 

Inner me: That’s a shitty analogy 🥁

Me: 🙄 🙄 🙄

Inner me: So what is your biscuit in this analogy.

Me: Huh 🤔

Inner me: There’s clearly something you are considering doing.

Me: Yes but it is not entirely about that. It is more about having some certainty around things.

Inner me: Some control?

Me: YES!

Inner me: But a lot of things are out of your control. If this year has taught us anything its just that.

Me: Yeah 😔

Inner me: Listen I know you want to have some agency, be able to make decisions like planning for a certain birthday that’s coming up.

Me: I never said…

Inner me: But with such an unpredictable year, just take each day as it comes and resist the urge to plan out everything. Try and be present, you’ll find more peace.

Me: When did you get so wise?

Inner me: When you started pouring into me before others.

Peace and Love,

Aharoun the Author


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