You ever have one of those moments when you just giggle to yourself. It’s a private joke that only you implicitly understand or one that if you explained wouldn’t be as funny to anyone else because 1) they don’t have your sense of humour and 2) nobody likes it when you have to explain the joke.
Of course, having said that I will now go on to explain said joke. I found myself giggling while driving because the last time I was on that same patch of the A2, and the reason my stomach was doing somersaults, I was bawling my eyes out. So, I guess you could say it was a laugh or cry situation (badum tss).
Why had I been crying? I was experiencing my first heart break. I read somewhere that your brain doesn’t fully develop until you are 25 and somewhere else that heartbreak after the age of 25 is earth shattering so best believe I was crying as if someone had died. In fact, I had not cried like that since I found out that my dad had died (and I kept thinking about that as I sobbed). Honestly, I thank God I am here right now because the way I was crying I really don’t understand how I was able to drive safely. I was so overwhelmed, so distraught that I had to call a friend (using a voice command DVLA) to help me settle down.
You might be wondering about the circumstances of the heartbreak. The nitty gritty, the gist, who wronged who etc. but none of that is important right now (and a story for another day) but the aftershocks of that memory and the heartbreak stayed with me. For the longest time driving around certain places, hearing certain songs, seeing certain things would be debilitating and leave my cheeks wet. It took many conversations with friends, family and my therapists to help me along the healing process.
That adage, time heals all wounds, has a kernel of truth to it but I would say action is needed. I tend to think and then ruminate on things, so many a car journey, long walk or moment lying in bed were spent thinking on the situation. What I did, what I could have done, what I should have done etc. As the only animal capable of conceptualising and thinking about ourselves abstractly according to Ernest Becker in The Denial of Death, such thoughts are typical. But when you spend all your time thinking and overanalysing, when your default mode network or the thoughts you have when you are not actively thinking of anything are always centred around the same thing that isn’t healthy. So instead of lying-in bed replaying the sequences of events that had led me to this point I (nudged and supported by friends) got out there and did things. I recommitted myself to salsa, I started consistently playing basketball, I found time to meditate, and I travelled. My birthday trip to Toronto was a real watershed moment for me, something that I didn’t think I could do the way I did It, but I could and I had an amazing time.
Almost like magic my default mode network quiten and I was freely to mindlessly think and I listen to certain songs without crying like a baby. So, when I found myself feeling slightly uncomfortable, body tight and anticipating an unseen danger I realised where I was and all I could do was laugh. Tears of agony transformed into tears of joy when I realised how far I had come, how much I had grown and how although hearts break, they can also mend.
Love and Peace,
Aharoun the Author