Emphathising with The Mad Titan

Soooo this is awkward. Like, I wish I could vanish awkward. Not the most awkward situation I can remember (that is a story for another day) but sub optimal if I’m honest. Instead of procrastinating any further, because its an unfortunate trait of mine, lets get into this.

At the risk of sounding crazy, I get where Thanos is coming from.

Not about the whole ‘snap yo finger do your step’ nonsense (#spoilerswithnocontext) but about how he may suffer from ‘anxiety fixation’ if reddit is to be believed.

It is alluded to in the way he easily defeats the hulk but the true extent of Thanos’ power sans infinity stones, is considerable. Add to that his impressive and seemingly infinite (subtle joke is subtle) army and it begs the question why hasn’t he completed his goal yet.

This could be down to ‘anxiety fixation’. He wants to do something so badly (balance the universe) but is conditioned to wait until he is overwhelmingly powerful because of a fear of failure.

At first this can seem ridiculous, essentially a really strong dude feels like he can’t do something he really wants to do until he feels he is undefeatable; but applying the words to my situation it becomes a lot more relatable. Good writer can’t write something until he thinks it is perfect.

Let’s be honest, I know the frequency of posts has fallen off a cliff (a very high one) and although this is down to a variety of factors (one of which is me living my best life) one of the bigger reasons is this.

Pictured –  me living my best life.

Keeping it real, I feel dread not for the actual writing, but for wanting what I produce and how I get it out there to be my best.

Not to get a big head but some pieces have been well received and that inspired as well as pressured me.

Would I be able to top that ?

Was I a one hit wonder ?

Were people just being nice ?

Anxiety can come like a thief in the night, stealing away the joy words once brought and leaving distrust in its place.

Another hurdle was and remains promotion. If you know me you’ll know I struggle with self promotion. I am a capable speaker who can and will promote things important to me but promoting myself always makes me uneasy.

There’s a sense of exposure, undesired nakedness if you will that leaves me feeling like I am asking too much by leaving a post on social media imploring others to read my blog (even though I know its good). I am in two minds, part of me thinks maybe I shouldn’t even self promote – just make quality content and people will find it. I say this, but if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound?

On the other hand, I believe in what I write and I want others to read it, so maybe I should just be bolder. This internal struggle as well as life being relatively busy and heightened by anxiety fixation have led to many half written pages, pages started only in my head and others imagined and then forgotten entirely.

So why am I trying to get out of my slump? Because vision without execution is hallucination (cue finger clicking).

Honestly and recently I felt compelled to do something big that could meld all the interests of mine that have always seemed at odds. I think back and acknowledge that I started my blog because of a deep urge to write, to express myself and that inspired and fuelled me for a while but I was writing then not really knowing the why.

Maybe its been too long, maybe all the momentum I built up when I started has gone. Maybe I’ll just read these words, maybe I’ll fail spectacularly like I fear. BUT maybe I won’t…

Peace and Love,

Aharoun the Author